Authentic Relating Games

Authentic Relating (AR) is a practice of intentional human connection. Practiced through a series of structured games that develop presence, vulnerability, and empathic accuracy. These games form a progressive curriculum — from basic noticing to deep relational risk-taking.

We explore levels of increasing authenticity by

noticing what is there
revealing what is there

What Is Authentic Relating?

Authentic Relating is a social practice that emerged from the intersection of circling, encounter groups, and contemplative traditions ^[1]. It uses structured games to train the relational capacities that most people develop only by accident — or never at all.

The games share a common architecture: create a container with clear rules, then invite participants to take relational risks they wouldn’t normally take in everyday conversation.

Axiom Safety × Risk

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Relational depth is a function of felt safety multiplied by willingness to risk. Authentic Relating games work by maximising both variables simultaneously through structure.

Why do we need Authentic Relating practices

When we are young we learn to compromise our authenticiy in order to belong, to feel safe. Without being aware we develop strategies to comply with the expectations of others and prioritize satisfaction of the others over our own needs. We internalize social norms and expectations and supress our own impulses in order to avoid conflict. This process is driven by the predominant scheme of punishment and reward that is used by our educational instituations to shape our behaviour according to their (the institutions) “needs” or better “goals”.

We become domesticated versions of ourselves. Confusing ourselves more and more with an “artificial” identity, a set of survival strategies that we define as “our natural” being and an underlying fear of abandonment should we ever reveal who we truly are.

The harmfulness of this cultural adaptation process is greatly underestimated. It decreases our sense of dignity and integrity, our ability to develop our own values, our curiosity for human connection and our capacity for intimate connection.

Through authentic relating practices we can rediscover our own authenticity in connection

Definition Intimacy

Intimacy

Five Core Games

Noticing

The Noticing Game

Players: 2 Duration: 10–15 minutes Difficulty: Beginner

One player shares observations about the other using the sentence stem: “Being in your presence, I notice…”

The observations can be about bodily sensations, emotions, stories, or impulses that arise. The receiving player simply listens and, when moved, responds with what they notice in return.

The key distinction: report your experience of the other person, not your interpretation of them. “I notice my chest tightening” differs fundamentally from “You seem closed off.”

What it trains: Somatic awareness, projection vs. observation, presence without agenda.

Hot Seat

The Hot Seat

Players: 3–8 (one in the seat, rest as audience) Duration: 15–20 minutes per person Difficulty: Intermediate

One person sits in the “hot seat.” The group asks them questions — any questions — and the person in the seat commits to answering honestly or saying “I’m not willing to answer that.”

The audience practices asking questions from genuine curiosity rather than performance. The person in the seat practices radical honesty and boundary-setting simultaneously.

The magic happens when someone asks the question everyone was thinking but no one would normally voice. The hot seat gives social permission for authentic curiosity.

What it trains: Honest self-disclosure, boundary articulation, curiosity without agenda, comfort with being seen.

Appreciation

Appreciation Round

Players: 3–12 (circle format) Duration: 2–3 minutes per person Difficulty: Beginner

Each person in the circle takes a turn receiving. Everyone else shares one specific, genuine appreciation using the stem: “Something I appreciate about you is…”

The receiver’s only job is to take it in — no deflecting, minimising, or returning the compliment. Just receive.

Most people find receiving appreciation harder than giving it. The practice reveals how much social conditioning exists around deflecting positive regard.

What it trains: Receiving capacity, specificity in positive feedback, group cohesion, vulnerability of being valued.

Withholds

The Withholds Game

Players: 2+ Duration: 20–30 minutes Difficulty: Advanced

Players share things they’ve been withholding from each other using the stem: “Something I’ve been withholding from you is…” followed by: “And the reason I haven’t shared this is…”

The receiver responds only with: “Thank you for telling me.” No discussion, no defence, no immediate processing — just acknowledgment.

This game carries real relational risk. It should only be played with established trust and a skilled facilitator. The power lies in discovering that most withholds lose their charge simply by being spoken aloud.

What it trains: Relational courage, distinguishing between secrecy and privacy, completing emotional cycles, trust-building through vulnerability.

Curiosity

Curiosity Experiment

Players: 2 Duration: 15–20 minutes Difficulty: Intermediate

Two players take turns asking each other questions, with one rule: each question must emerge from genuine not-knowing. If you already think you know the answer, it’s not a valid question.

After each answer, the questioner shares the impact: “Hearing that, I feel/notice…” — creating a feedback loop of deepening inquiry.

Most conversations are built on questions whose answers we’ve already assumed. This game trains the muscle of genuine not-knowing — the foundation of all real learning about another person.

What it trains: Epistemic humility, deep listening, emergent conversation, comfort with not-knowing.

The Progressive Curriculum

These games aren’t random — they form a developmental sequence:

Noticing — learn to track your own experience in relation to another
Appreciation — practice letting positive regard flow without deflection
Curiosity — develop genuine interest in another’s inner world
Hot Seat — practice being fully seen and choosing honesty
Withholds — take real relational risks with what you’ve been hiding

Observation Progressive Sequencing Matters

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The sequence matters: players who skip to Withholds without first developing the noticing and appreciation capacities often retraumatise rather than connect. Safety must be established experientially before risk is invited.

Why This Matters for Conversation Design

Every one of these games encodes a principle we can bring into digital conversation tools:

Structure creates freedom — clear rules paradoxically enable more authenticity
Sentence stems reduce cognitive load — people go deeper when the format is handled
Turn-taking prevents domination — equal airtime is a design choice, not a natural occurrence
Feedback loops deepen connection — sharing impact (“hearing that, I notice…”) is the mechanism of intimacy

Learning Sentence Stems as Design Pattern

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The most powerful design pattern in authentic relating is the sentence stem: a partial structure that channels expression without controlling content. This maps directly to guided conversation interfaces where prompts shape without constraining.

Sources

The foundational work on authentic relating as a practice emerged from the Integral community ^[2] and has been formalized through organizations like the Authentic Relating Training International ^[3].

References

Carl Rogers. On Becoming a Person. Houghton Mifflin, 1961 .
Marc Beneteau. Circling: The Art of Relational Meditation, 2016. https://circlinginstitute.com .
Sara Ness & Bryan Bayer. The Authentic Relating Games Manual. ART International, 2019 .